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Aug. 28th, 2005 @ 01:32 pm
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Hey to everyone who reads this, if anyone does....
So, I don't want to go back to school tomorrow....I REALLY don't.
So anyway, my dad was talking to me yesterday about college finances. Apparently I have a good amount of money saved up for college, enough to pretty much go wherever I want. But, if I go to a state or public school, I'll have plenty of money left over after tuition to get a sweet appartment, a car, and even go to grad school, depending on the school. So, should I go to UW Madison??? I didn't want to since I live soooo close to the school...but, it IS a good school and I'm pretty sure I could get in. Plus, I could live downtown or on campus...so....I don't know!!! I'll have to think about it some more. |
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Aug. 27th, 2005 @ 01:04 pm
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Wow....it seems like it's been a very long time since i last made a journal entry! School started, which sucks balls. Yeah. So, I was doing my precal work, but then I saw the computer and I was like, AAAHhhhh!!!! An excuse to do something more fun than math homework!!!! Because this is VERY important. It's cool to see people I haven't seen all summer! All my other friends besides Maura, Molly, Lauren, Liz....and...I think basically those were the only people I saw alot of over the summer. Anyway, school basically sucks balls and I hate AP Spanish and it's difficulty. Damn that language! Why does it have to be so hard???? I've forgotten EVERYTHING i think. Oh, God. I don't know why this year seems to be worse than last year. My classes are easier on average, and I have a couple of classes, namely Global Issues and World Lit that I am genuinely excited about. And I have more free mods. And I see my friends WAY more often. And I have homeroom with MAURA, LAURA, and KRISTIN....which totally rocks. Plus, Molly and Hilary are in like, all of my classes. So I don't understand what's wrong with me. But it's only been the first week, i guess. Things will get better i think. Except AP Spanish. That class is HARDCORE!!!! What did I get myself into????
Whatever..it's the weekend!!! And I am SUPER EXCITED for tonight!!!!!! It's gonna be BOMB!!!!!! AAAahahahhhhhhhhh!!! I'm sooo excited. But I should really be doing something else I think.Current Mood:  excited for tonight!!! |
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AAAAHHHH!!!!! Last day of summer!!! I need to start looking at colleges, too. I should be working on applications, but I still haven't even decided where I want to apply! Why do I always screw myself over like this? |
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Maura's gone AGAIN!!! It feels like I never get to see her, even though I do....but anyway, it's because first she was at choir camp for i think 1 or 2 weeks, then she had Ahysia here for 10 days, and now she's off looking at colleges for a week!! Very frustrating, especially for me because I'm not doinq ANYTHING!!! I mean, at least she's off being busy. I'm at home. Writing livejournal entries. I wonder if she misses me as much as I miss her. It's hard to say, really, since she is quite busy now. And even if she isn't busy, she's not the type of person that would text or call me every time she thinks of me. At least, I hope she doesn't only think of me or miss me only once or twice a day. [This is such an obsessive and insecure paragraph...] AAAAaahhhh!!!! I am SO insecure...why do these type of things matter so much to me? Maybe I should switch subjects. I feel like I am starting to sound creepy anyway.
But it is fun to hang out with Molly, you know, we get in a lot of quality time. I know her so much better than I did before, and now we are much better friends. I <3 u, MOLLY!!!
ANYWAY....so, guess what? Portia got an ipod. Know what I've been asking for since last year? Oh, right- an ipod. Okay, let's do a little count here. Okay, Portia wanted a video camera, she got it. I wanted a lap top, she got it. I wanted an ipod, she got it. I have an ugly low-tech cell phone, which I never even asked for in the first place. Now, I need it...but that doesn't make it any less ugly or low-tech. I sound very jealous, I know. I'm not THAT jealous, really and honestly. But seriously, I mean, COME ON. How am I supposed to feel? I've been asking for an ipod forever, and my parent know I really, really want one. I've been asking for one for an eternity, and they kept promising and making me do stuff for it, then changing what they asked me to do for it so I keep having to do more work, and I never even got one. And Portia's just like, "oh, look what gamma sent me. It's an ipod." And I'm just like, WHAT??? I know she just had back surgery, but you don't need to slap me in the face like that, family. Geez. Whatever...I try very hard not to be so shallow, you know. I try not to get so upset over material possessions and silly things like that. But this just seems....I don't know, hard to swallow I guess. But I'm really not that upset, mostly just slightly pissed off at my parents.
So...summer's almost over...THIS SUMMER HAS PRETTY MUCH BEEN THE WORST SUMMER I REMEMBER-- even the summer when we just moved to Madison and i didn't know a single person and i had absolutely no friends was better than this summer. Even last summer, when I had to build a roof with ASP in Virginia in the sweltering heat with this church I don't even beleive in instead of going to St. Croix with my friends and I was REALLY mad at my dad about making me go was better than this summer. I mean, this summer has SUCKED BALLS!!! It's been fun hanging out with my friends, and i've had some good times, good memories, you know...but something just seems very wrong. Probably my sister's back surgery is what has made this summer suck. I can't seem to shake all these bad feelings that I got when I was staying with Portia in the hospital. I mean, it's not only like I was scared and anxious for Portia, but i think subconsciously the memories of my traumas in the hospital resurfaced or something. And I feel so bad for her, too. I feel bad feeling sorry for myself, becuase I'm sure her summer has been so much worse. But still, it's time for this summer to be fun. Seriously. It's also time for me to shut up and stop blabbering about myself and all my little problems.Current Mood:  life sucks!!!! |
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Molly--nevermind...I will write you a LOVE LETTER!! That would b better than, u know, posting private things...like how i dream of you in a bikini and i want to squeeze your co-conuts...i mean..um....
LIZ LOVES EVERY BOY!!!! AND I LOVE LIZ!!!
i'm LE BORED...but i have 2 start my LOVE LETTER 2 molly, so I'd better leave. But, I AM SO EXCITED 4 THE PICNIC!!!! I WANT A PUPPY!!!!Current Mood:  i love puppies!! |
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This is a pretty sweet email i got from mono_mono!!! It's really nice! Plus, my favorite time is 12:34....that's really weird! U r amazing cici!!!! I can't wait to see you @ school!!!
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um...my name is perry....is that what u want?
Their reply was:
Perry!
02. "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" (big black boots/long brown hair!)and "Napoleon Dynamite." I saw it for the first time last week!
03. 12:34 am...I don't know why
04. owth!
05. art class
06. Indy, or a ghetto squirrel ^_^
07. How does so much fantabulousness fit into one body?
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So....these past few days have been incredibly exciting/depressing. I don't really get it, but whatever. And u know who is really sweet? Molly!!!!!!! Molly is more nice/cool/caring/fun/beautiful/and a great friend than i ever expected!!!!
Kelly, i definately agree that we need to finish our amazing conversation.....dude, i'm going to call u right now.
anyway....Ahsiya, Maura's friend from Philly, is really nice. She's been here for about a week, i think. I wanted to take her out on the boat (with my dad driving, cause my mom sucks @ it) but i guess we won't get 2 do that. But that's okay, since she IS here 2 see MAURA, and I'm sure they are having fun anyway. Ahsiya is very nice, even though I've only seen her a couple times.
OMG! Guess what???? We might be able to get a new puppy!!!! The Make-It-Naked Picnic is on Saturday, and they usually have the new puppies there. I am soo excited. We almost got a new puppy last year, but we decided not to [SPICE GIRLS RULE!!!....sorry about that] because we weren't ready and indy was still only 1. Now, i think we are ready and i am sooo excited. The picnic is always really fun too. We just meet all these crazy people and there are babies and naked puppies everywhere! It's fun to look at all the differnt dogs and play with them, etc. And I LOVE naked puppies becuase they are so much like little babies it's not even funny...they even smell like little newborn human babies, not like dogs at all. They are so tiny and adorable!!!! I'm SOOO EXCITED!!!! Is that sad???
SOOO, i'm kinda excited to start school. I'm not ready for the summer to be over, since i have totally not done anything i wanted to do this summer....but, i'm ready to see everyone and get back into a more structured schedule. I guess. Anyway, all u crazy hos, i would like to take a nap or rest my arm or something.
Jul. 27th, 2005 @ 01:59 pm
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| » Indy's in my crotch!!!!! |
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Today is off to a better start than yesterday....Indy is taking a nice little nap in my crotch. I have to admit, I do have a pretty nice crotch.
Jul. 25th, 2005 @ 09:33 am
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| » Bad day |
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Today= day from hell. Today has been pretty bad, probably really bad on normal terms. Cause, you know, bad days in day-to-day life are NOTHING compared to some days I've had. But overall, this day has sucked elephant tits. I guess I have kind of a hang-over from my style of living the past few days. I've been out, up till maybe 3 or 4 am, not really eating or sleeping, and other things that probably contribute to my moodiness. It's not so much that I am irritable, but just unusually emotional. Plus, Maura had not been talking to me for a while. She kept hanging up and then putting her phone on silent. She said she didn't mean to ignore me, but seriously-- I haven't seen her in a couple of days....which seems like forever because we usually see eachother pretty much every day. I don't really care if she wants to spend a couple of days with just Ahsiya....but she is being SO confusing and won't really talk to me. Anyway, so I'm just mad about that in general and I miss her a lot, on top of everything else. Then my mom says I need to clean the house while she and my sister go to a party. Guess why, as if cleaning was not bad enough? My grandma is coming to visit. I dislike my grandparents very much. This one isn't the mean one, this grandma is the fucking weird one. Shit. She's so clingy and emotional and never shuts the hell up. Not to mention she's nuts. Not technically insane, but pretty damn strange. I don't even want to explain this right now. So anyway, all this shit is going down-- and who do I usually talk to when I feel bad? Maura. But guess who I'm frustrated with and who won't answer my text messages or phone calls? Maura. So, that leaves me in a bit of a predicament. But all these things bothering me right now are just on the surface. But sometimes the surface of my problems gets mixed up with my insides. So i cry a lot about little things, but those moments are just glimpses of when i let my insides escape. Inside I have this horrible whirlwind of aching sadness inside. But see, I don't know what it is. It feels like loneliness, but worse. Maybe I am lonely. I'm looking for that thing that is missing in my soul, but realistically, I'm never going to find it. I mean, you can't depend on a person or a thing to complete you, you should already be whole. But I am not whole at all. i don't think I will ever be truly happy. Well, enough stupid rambling. I'm tired, and i think i definately need some sleep.
One more thing-- does anyone know of this kind of cheeba that tastes like fruity pebbles? I've heard that it's expensive...and I've also heard that it does in fact taste like fruity pebbles. Isn't that weird?
Jul. 24th, 2005 @ 08:17 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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So...I couldn't sleep last night at all....WHY???? I don't know!!! Well, at least I caught the sun rise. It was really beautiful reflecting of the water. I took some pictures, but of course they are not as good az the real thing. This is from around 5am:
This is from a little later, like 5:30 am or something:
Do you have problems getting an equity loan? Can you shake that booty? Please don't have babies with ugly earlobes, man. i'm getting evicted tomorrow. not really. My best mates are going to Las Vegas.....that's a lie too. Sorry, I'm tired. Do you want buy this ORANGE JUICE or WHAT????
Jul. 19th, 2005 @ 09:52 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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My friends are SOOO exciting!!!!
Jul. 17th, 2005 @ 10:38 am
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| » Yeah, yeah.... |
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Yes, so....
I haven't talked to Brian in FOREVER!!! I'm wondering what's going on....maybe he met another girl?? I don't know. Maybe he thinks I don't like him since I took an incredibly long time to answer his email....???? I don't know!!! Anyway, I haven't even talked to him in weeks! I'm confused about what's going on. I miss him though....
So, anyway, what's been going on lately??? Well, Molly's in volley-ball camp, so instead of hanging out with Molly all the time, I'm hanging out with Maura all the time...but I would anyway. It's sweet to hang out with friends all the time. I don't really get tired of Molly or Maura EVER!! I could seriousy like, live with them or something and not get tired of living with them. That's how sweet they are. So, anyway, I haven't really been doing anything.
Oh, my cousins on my dad's side decided to take a road trip and come visit us!! It was really cool, cause it's the first time I've seen my cousin Jacob (who's my age) in over 10 years. I know, my family is CRAZY!!! It's not like they lived in a foriegn country or anything...I just never got to see them at all. So, luckily, they decided to come visit us, now that my cousin Maraiah is around 19. It was cool to see them, though kinda weird since they are my family and it's like i really just met them. It's crazy!!!!
What should I do about ENGLISH??? Ms. Mertens still wants me to take AP English, even though I TOLD her that I don't want to. It wil just be way too stressful. I mean, I kinda want to take it, just becuase, you know, I can. I know I could do the work....I know I belong there....but
i just don't know if I could handle all that stress next year! It'll just be so much work!!! Plus, I haven't read any of the books or done any of the summer assignments so far, so how could I possibly catch up if I want to have any kind of summer at all??!?!?!?! This was the email she sent me:
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Perry,
Mr. Burrows called me after you and your mom met with him. He and I
both very strongly feel that you not only belong in AP English but
should definiely take the class. In fact, I recommend that you take AP
English and Creative Writing with Mr. Regina. Several of my former
students have done that, and some of the students in this year's class
are also enrolling in both courses. You maintained A's and B's
throughout the year; your test scores in English are extremely high. I
hope you will take all that into consideration, but especially the
advice of two educators who have each been in the business for over 25
years!
Ms. Mertens
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WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY???? THIS IS TOO MUCH! IT"S SUMMER!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!! I don't know what to do. What should I do???? I don't know.
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ANYWAY, so yesterday my mom took me downtown to go on a tour of UW Madison's campus. It seems really, really nice. What if I end up going there? I have this feeling I will, but I'm not certian. It would be soooo weird. It's SOOO close to my house!!! It's a great, great school-- I'm pretty sure I could get in if I really wanted to. I mean, you know, my dad went there, and now he's head of a research center at the university. So, really, I'm not bragging when I say I could get in...my dad has connections, you know? It's not me, not anything I did. But really, that doesn't bother me as much as it would probably bother other people. Really, I don't care. Cause, even though Madison is a great place to live, and I really love it, and the school sounds amazing and it is a very good and prestigious school and everything, I still kinda want to get away from my home. I think I need to get away and experience LIFE. If I went to school here, my mom is only a couple minutes away...how is that living on my own? And to save money, my parents might make me live at home instead of a dorm or something. That would be HORRIBLE!!!! I love my family and everything. I will be especially hard to leave my sister and my mom....but still, I need to learn to rely on MYSELF. I need to find myself, have life experiences, learn to live on my own.
Well, anyway, I'm really tired now. We stayed up till like, 4 am. Doin, you know, stuff. I ate SOOOOO much food last night. My stomach was about to explode. I thought I was going to throw up, but I couldn't stop eating. It was weird. Aren't you suppossed to LOOSE weight over the summer??? I've GAINED like, 20 lbs!!!
ARRG!!!! This summer has SUCKED so far. Last night was really fun though.
Jul. 16th, 2005 @ 06:41 pm
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| » Portia |
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So....I forget what I already wrote in my last entry, but I'm going to Maura's farm today and staying there until Sunday. We'll probably go to Summerfest on Saturday-- I WANT TO SEE O.A.R!!!!! It should be absolutely amazing. Anyway, besides all that greatness, Portia has managed, yet again, to make me feel like a huge asshole. I promised her we would watch movies all the time when she got out of the hospital--all day, like last summer. Now, in my defense, she doesn't remember that I did TRY to watch a couple with her when she first got back, but it was totally not fun at all becuase we'd both be watching the movie and then 5 seconds later I'd look over and Portia would be out cold. So I did try. Then my grandma came, and I can't STAND her sometimes. She kept telling me how inconsiderate I am, and what a horrible daughter and sister I am....basically the LAST place I wanted to be was home. Even though I felt for Portia, I'm sure my grandma is much more pleseant when one is on heavy narcotics. So I was gone allot, mostly doing stuff, ahem, I shouldn't have been doing. And, when I'm around Portia, there's this weird tension and distance between us, which at first I thought was just the drugs, but now I'm not so sure. So, yeah. Then, 2 nights ago, Portia starts balling her eyes out becuase she thinks I don't love her anymore. All I can do is just stand there like an idiot while she says that all she wants to do is hang out with me, and I always go off and leave her, and even when I'm there usually my friends are as well, and she feels like a burden to me. Please, someone-- gouge my eyes out with a fork. I know i've not kept my promise so far, and I know I'ved felt uncomfortable around her, so it's not lke these accusations have no merit. They do. But I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. I just feel so restless, even when we just start to watch TV together. Do I feel a need to escape because I see her confined to a couch? Do I feel akward becuase she is in pain and there is nothing I can do? Do I just want to do other things besides sit there and watch TV? Probably all this, and other factors I still don't know. The point is, I really, really want to uphold my promise to Portia...but how do I make myself enjoy it? I used to, that's the thing. Normally, sitting around watching TV with my favorite little sister would be FAN-TASTICO!!!! But right now, I am just....I don't know what's wrong with me. My mom said it is probably hormones, but that's what she always says. SOOOOO.... off to the farm!!!
Jul. 8th, 2005 @ 10:17 am
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| » Hello, hello |
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Portia got her own laptop!!! It is SOOOOO COOL!!!! It is really thin, but the screen is huge like a tv, cause it plays DVDs as well, and can burn cds, and edit movies, and go on the internet, and it just looks DAMN PIMP!!! Hell is it ever crazy-cool. And she has a wireless mouse if she wants to hook that up. SWEET!!!! My dad said if I "play my cards right" I could possibly get one too. But, I am not getting my hopes up about that one. I'm just thinking, yeah right. They'll probably get me one when I go off to college, but earlier is doubtful to me. Though I really want one, OF COURSE! Who wouldn't want a friggin amazing laptop????
In other news....yeah, there is no other news, really. I cleaned out my closet today-- I know, I know, this entry is SO exciting-- and I've just generally been Portia's slave. Which, you know, is secretly okay with me since I like doing things for her. But I have to grumble, because I only want to do the stuff she really needs me to do. Otherwise, she might take advantage of my kindness and selflessness :) It must be so hard to sit there ALL DAY LONG, hurting ALL THE TIME....the pain seems to be coming in waves. Portia's moving around a bit better, even though I know she probably hurts pretty badly.
Hopefully my mom will take me shopping since I cleaned out my closet. I want to go to Urban!!!! And, I should probably get started on that 1984 paper. (Or, ahem, START READING THE BOOK...) Mertens gave me an extension since I've been on St. Croix and then taking care of my sister. I still don't feel like it's summer. This summer has SUCKED BALLS so far!!!
Jul. 3rd, 2005 @ 01:05 pm
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| » Boredom......... |
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Yeah, so, I'm bored. BORED!!!! I'm bored with EVERYTHING!!!! Bored out of my mind. OUT OF MY MIND!!!! I need a hobby or something, I think. The problem is, I don't like doing anything. EXCEPT a certian something, but that would make a horrible/ very brain-damaging hobby. What is wrong with me, anyway?? Even on the rare occasion that I find something I enjoy doing, it either gets boring really quickly, or is impractical to do frequently. Living is sooooooooooo boring. Most of my time is spent doing tedious and repetative things, really. I'm beginning to understand why people drink, have sex, and do drugs in high school. Yes, it does sound quite tempting. But I'm saving my virginity for college, thank you.
Jul. 2nd, 2005 @ 08:43 pm
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| » So....I just LOVE my life... |
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OMG. I am just in not the best mood ever.
Yesterday was SOOOO MUCH FUN, though we only saw Maura for a bit. Beth, Molly and Kelly came over, and we watched tv for a bit. Then went outside and watched some firemen do they thang with an over-turned boat on the lake. The trampoline came untied from the anchor, so we had to pull it back to shore since it was blowing away. As we were walking along the shore in our clothes, Kelly fell in the lake! It was SOOOO funny! She only got a little wet cause she caught herself on a rock, but still! Then we ate a VERY GOOD dinner since my grandma is here and cooked us up some food. We were just in a very silly mood, and Maura called cause she wanted us to visit....so we dressed up crazily and went downtown to hang out. It was so funny and crazy, and probably everyone thought we were super wasted. Kelly read an exerp from this amazingly cheezy story in Cosmo, and it was halarious. [Molly's song: "Sunshine makes me gro-ow"] Anyway, after that crazy party, we went to Taco Bell and got 2 large sodas. Then we went to the McDonalds drive-thru and Kelly was screamed, "Tell them I want a Whopper. I want a Whopper! I have to pee!..." And then Molly was like, "I want some cheese, pickles, pickles and cheese, pickles on my pickles....and sweet-and-sour sauce on my pussy!!" and then we drove away, back to Taco Bell (still dressed up) and went inside. We were just talking to everyone, it was crazy and funny...we were just being loud and silly, it was great. Then we went back to my house and watched some tv, then Molly had to leave. Kelly and I stayed up until about 5:00 AM I think, cause we both couldn't sleep. We were talking incoherently about the craziest things...Kelly told me the same 2 stories about 3 times in a row without knowing it, then she was talking about penis-shaped toilets, then we were doing word association and I was like, "Eyeline fight" when I meant to say "airline flight." Yeah, it was very funny at the time.
So then today starts off well, Kelly, Molly and I go to Walgreens in our pjs, and push Molly around in the cart. I wear boots, of course. We watch tv and what-not, until we go back to Walgreens to pick up the pictures Molly dropped off. Everything is fine until we get to this intersection. We are stopped, then we start to move cause the light turned and everyone is moving. All the sudden, the car in front of us just dies or something, but we can't tell it's stopped becuase the breaklights never came on or anything. By the time we realize that the car is not moving, it's too late. Molly slammed on the breaks of course, but we still smacked into the back of this crazy woman's car. Molly's car got pretty fucked up in the front, but the woman's car was only slightly damaged. We gave our reports to the police, blah, blah, normal stuff. It just sucks cause Molly got a ticket and now we have no car to get around in. Plus, the adreneline rush makes me tired now. And I'm upset, too. Probably because I am so tired....
Jul. 1st, 2005 @ 05:58 pm
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| » I <3 my friends!!! |
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First of all, PORTIA IS COMING HOME TODAY!!!!!! I'm really happy. Hopefully she will be in less pain now, since the nurses are not always the speediest creatures on earth when we Portia needs her drugs.
ANYWAYS, so, I love my friends. All of them are AMAZING!!!! Especially Liz, Molly, and Maura. Um, I totally sweat all of them hardcore. These past few days have been rough, especially since I've only gotten a couple hours of sleep and consequently have not been in the best mood ever. But, Maura visited before she had to go to the musical concentration camp...and Molly and Liz have visited all the time. I do not know what I'd do without them. Seriously. I get so scared and sad and lonely in Portia's room. And there is nothing to do, because I would feel like an ass just sitting there watching TV or whatever while Portia is crying, and she gets scared when she's in the room by herself. And when my parents are in Portia's room and I am free, I get all worried when I am by myself. So, basically, if they didn't visit I would have soon grabbed Portia's IV and given myself the intervenous narcotics. And, Molly gave me rides all over, to and fro. We went to the Union one day for ice cream, it was sweet. Yesterday was the longest ever, since I had been up since 3:00 AM (with only 3 hrs of sleep, remember)and finally went to bed at midnight last night. My parents took me home for a bit, and Liz and Molly met me at the hospital...Liz and I ate dinner on State St, we took the bus!!!! We followed a trail of blood that lead up to the right elevators. It was pretty sweet. Liz brought Terot cards, so we did some readings in the parent lounge of the hospital.I <3 Liz. She was like, oh, if you ever need any help taking care of Portia or you want company or whatever, just call me and I'll come over. It was so sweet. (I love you, Liz!!!!) She hung out with me while Molly was at work, then Liz left and Molly picked me up so we could sneak into Maura's dorm and have sex....jk. She did pick me up, and we did sneak into Maura's dorm, but sadly there was no sex involved in this process. Although there was a lot of confusion and yelling of directions, as Maura gave Molly and I the wrong directions. That was so frustrating. The whole day had been like that, too. Every situation I got into was confusing and did not work out smoothly. Anyway, I got really frustrated, which pretty much drained me. So, I was just sitting there when I finally got to see Maura, which is very sad to me. It sounds like a horrible camp to me. Maura said she wanted to go home really badly, and I don't blame her. She bought me water balloons!
Jun. 28th, 2005 @ 11:19 am
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| » I want to die!!!! |
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So, yeah, my sister is not doing very well- mostly because she is in SO MUCH PAIN. I mean, her body looks like it's healing nicely as far as I can tell (I'm not exactly a doctor), but unfortunately the re-adjusting causes a lot of pain, so that's why I said she's not doing well. Basically, all her muscles and ligaments in her back have to readjust and learn to work in their new formation. Which, according to Portia, feels like someone is stabbing you very violently with a knife all over. Anyway, last night was pretty horrible. I stayed with her in the hospital and I felt like my heart was breaking the whole time. She was in so much pain, and the painkillers she is taking are not very effective for some reason. So basically, I got about 3 hrs of sleep...and the rest of the time was taking care of Portia. She needs so much care! The whole night was basically me calling the nurses in 1000 times and trying to help Portia find a comfortable position, then changing it when it got uncomfortable again.
It's so frustrating, because I would do ANYTHING to take away her pain...but there is nothing I can do except hold her hand and watch her writhe in excruciating pain. Portia's pretty tough, so I can tell it's extremely painful because she just sobbed the whole night. It was hell, watching her and knowing I can't do anything to make her better. Yeah, I re-adjust her pillows, get her food and rootbeer with a bendy straw, bring her presents and make signs and put up pictures, anything I can think of to help...but that doesn't take the pain away. Being in that tiny room for 13 hours straight (I left Portia once to get her rootbeer) and listening to Portia moaning and crying, and seeing the extreme pain in her eyes, really makes me sick to my stomach. I can't really eat anything, or sleep. I tried to take a nap, but my stomach has gigantic radioactive butterflies with pincers and webbed feet flying around. Being in the room for soooo long also brought back very bad memories from when I was little and really sick in the hospital. It sucks balls, man. But I want to be with Portia. She's my sister, and I love her. I would do anything for her. But the atmosphere of the room, and Portia doing nothing but crying, makes me want to throw up. I don't know why- I usually don't feel sick when I am sad. But I just want to projectile vomit out all the bad feelings in my stomach. I know this sounds weird, but it's like I can feel them in there. In my stomach, chest, and throat. Fluttering around and making all these weird sensations, and clogging up my throat. I'm falling asleep and I still have to finish packing....I get to spend another night at the hospital. Only this time it's even longer because my mom wants me there at 4:30. Damn.
Plus, I haven't seen Maura in...a day? I've been awake since 7:30 AM yesterday, excluding the 3 hr nap we discussed earlier. So, it seems to me that I haven't seen her in weeks. I probably want her so much becuase her presence is strangely comforting to me. It's somewhat maternal, but not completely....or weirdly. My mom is very busy and drained, so I haven't really seen her much this week. So not only do I miss Maura as a friend, but also as a comforting figure (it feels like a less intense need for my mother). Anyway, Maura is a very amazing friend. My mother, pretty much out of her mind from lack of sleep, gave me all these incredibly impossible chores to do...like landscaping. I don't know anything about that! I can't even tell the difference between a plant and a weed! All I know about plants is that hastas are the official plants of hell. Anyway, Portia had a rough day, my mom was all upset, I didn't sleep that night, and I was trying my best with those hastas in the 98 degree weather. I was going CRAZY!!!! I called Maura, and she came right over and helped me finish all my chores. We gave up on the damn hastas though. We wanted Andy to come over and use his baseball muscles to dig, but he had a game or something. It's okay Andy, if you ever read this...I would have felt bad if you did all the work anyway-- but you are very sweet person to have been willing to help me out. Anyway....so then basically I just ran around with Maura on her last day before she had to leave for music clinic. It was the best day ever, though I forget most of what happened that day...oh yeah! We visited Portia, and I helped her pack (she actually let me fold her clothes!) and then it rained and we ran outside and played in the rain for a bit until Andy and Curt showed up. Then we watched a movie and played around for a little while (Maura and I had a arm-wrestleing contest whilst wearing rubber gloves). There was even some gossip going on...it's fun to gossip with boys! However, I don't think that Maura and I did a very good job of convincing Curt that we can act normally. I don't know why we were so hyper, but whatever. Well, still a lot has happened since then...but I am WAY TOO TIRED TO CONTINUE THIS ENTRY!!!!!!! More later, I guess.
Jun. 27th, 2005 @ 02:29 pm
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quiz quiz quiz
Name- Perry
OPINIONS
What are your thoughts on…
Gay marriage?: Love is love, no matter who shares it. How can love between 2 men or 2 women be so incredibly different than love between a man and a woman? It’s not, in my opinion…and people who say otherwise—how does 2 men getting married affect YOU??? LET EVERYONE HAVE THE SAME RIGHTS. THIS IS AMERICA, ISN’T IT? EVERYONE SHOULD BE FREE AND EQUAL, SO WHY CAUSE MORE HATE AND OPPRESSION???
Abortions?: It’s a woman’s right to do what she feels is appropriate for her life. In other words, KEEP IT LEGAL!!!!
Bush?: A fucking idiot…it’s so scary he got re-elected. How did this happen? I still honestly do not understand it.
Racism?: Um…of course racism is horrible. But I think that everyone is guilty of racist thoughts every once in a while. Just don’t let your silly opinions get in the way of anything or make decisions for you.
Capital Punishment (putting criminals to death)?: I don’t care what other people say…I support Capital Punishment through lethal injections.
RANDOM QUESTIONS:
Do you believe in love at first sight? It’s possible…
Have you ever experienced it? NO
Do you believe in love AT ALL? Hells yes I do!
Are you happy with who you are? No, not really.
Do you think that today’s society is pressured by the media (TV, magazines, etc)? Of course—you’d have to be incredibly unobservant to say otherwise!
Did Michael Jackson molest those kids? I don’t think so…but I don’t really know.
Speaking of Michael, have you ever been attracted to a little kid? Slightly…is that wrong? Some little kids are just hot, okay?
Are you telling the truth? Yes.
ARE YOU MORE OF A…
Daredevil or Safety-dweller? Really depends on the situation.
Closed minded or Open minded? Open minded!!!!!!!
Comedian or Serious? Serious…well, I know when to be serious, but I like being crazy most of the time…so I dunno.
Nature-lover or animal-lover? Um…isn’t that the same thing? Animals are part of nature. But yes, I like animals and other elements of nature.
Artist or Criminal? Artist! But I’m not afraid to be a little bad sometimes…
Hugger or a kisser? Hugger…but I wish I was a kisser (it might make other people feel a little awkward…)
Lover or a hater? Lover!!!!!!
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT?
People who refuse to call themselves Americans. (you know, those kids that walk around with “CUBAN PRIDE” shirts or “PUERTO RICANS DO IT BETTER” backpacks?) I can relate…sometimes I’m ashamed to be an American.
Black nailpolish? Is fine!
Child Molestation? Horrible, disgusting, and inhumane. Damaging on so many levels, not only to those involved, but to society in general.
Marilyn Manson? I think he’s amazing. I don’t really listen to that many of his songs, but from what I see and hear he is an awesome artist. The best part about him is that he is actually very intelligent and not afraid to be himself and speak his mind.
Britney Spears? I listen to some of her songs-- but it’s not like SHE actually wrote them!!! She’s just not a good role model for girls…and little girls desperately need a good role model these days.
HAVE YOU EVER…
Made out in the rain? No, unfortunately. That would be amazing!
Sung in the rain? YES!
Ran naked through the rain? When I was little…
Kissed someone of the same sex? No…but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t!!
Of the opposite sex? Yes
Dated someone just to shock people? No
Made out with someone when you were drunk, then forgot their name the next day? No, unfortunately…but I haven’t been to college yet, so it’ll probably happen sometime or another.
Smoked until you passed out? Almost…
Overdosed on anything? No, I don’t think so.
Been molested? No, thankfully. That is one horrible think that has not happened to me, and I really hope it never does.
Puked on a friends clothing? NO!!! GROSS!!!
Used hygiene products of the opposite sex (your brothers deodorant, your sisters zit cream, etc)? Yeah—what’s the big deal??
Been arrested? No
Been in the back of a cop car? My old neighbor was a cop and he took me home from school once...
Gotten your head stuck in a fishbowl? Unfortunately no, sounds like fun.
Flashed anyone? On many, many occasions—all of them ACCIDENTAL
Shot a gun? bb gun
Been suspended/expelled from school? Nope
Tortured an animal? Bugs, but that was when I was little.
Pooped on someone’s lawn? No! That’s disgusting, and very rude.
Pooped somewhere other than a toilet? What kind of a question is that? Who wants to know these sorts of things?
Wasted an entire Saturday night doing a survey? No. It’s Friday morning.
So, are you single or taken? “Taken”
Gender? Female.
Sexuality? Dunno…I think it’s more like I could love a person for who they are, not necessarily for their gender. I don’t like anyone of the same sex right now, but I think it’s good to keep your options open. What if I passed up the opportunity to be with the love of my life just because I restricted myself to a certain gender?
Do ONLY appearances matter? No, of course not!!! But honestly, they do matter.
DO THEY HAVE TO BE…
Smart? Yes, otherwise I would get frustrated. And I enjoy holding intelligent conversations.
Athletic? No, not necessarily. Jocks are not really my type.
Sexy? Um…DUH!!! YESSSSS!!!!!
Buff? No—too many muscles are GROSS. But no flab, please.
Rich? That would be nice!
Sensitive? Yes, very sensitive.
Cute? Yes!
Funny? Defiantly.
Serious? Well, know when to be serious.
A risk-taker? To a certain extent.
Does size REALLY matter? I don’t know…I wouldn’t think so, but then again, I couldn’t say if it feels any different. Perhaps it’s a matter of preference.
Are you being honest? Yes.
Preferred…
Hair color? Any, lighter colors are nice though
Eye color? Blue or green
Height? Taller than me, but not too tall.
Sign? Doesn’t matter.
Facial/body hair? No! I’m not saying he should shave, but too much body hair is DISGUSTING!!!!!
WOULD YOUR IDEAL MATE HAVE...
long or short hair: long, probably
A six pack: Maybe…too much muscle is gross though.
piercings: Maybe, but not anything outrageous.
scars: Well, everyone has scars…but scars with amazing stories behind them are HOT!!!
big butt or little: um... medium, please?
chest hair: No! Definite NO!!!
straight teeth or gap: Straight.
WOULD THEY
party or stay at home: Both—he should be flexible.
cook or bake: Both but cooking is better…I’m not the greatest cook there ever was…
have a best friend: Yes.
have a lotta girl friends: No.
be outgoing or shy: A good mix of both. People who are too outgoing can be annoying, but people who are too shy can be boring
be sarcastic or sincere: Both, but he would have to know when each is appropriate to use.
love their mother: Yes, I would certainly hope so!!
watch chick flicks: YES!!!!
be a smoker: No…but every once in a while is okay.
swear: Yes, a little, but not ALL the time or to the point where it makes me uncomfortable.
play with your hair: Yes, that’s so cute!
pay for dates: Yeah, but the girl has to sometimes too.
bring you flowers: Yeah, and I’d bring him flowers too.
lay under the stars with you: Definitely.
write poetry about you: YES!!!!
call you honey, sweetie, or baby: Sure.
hang out with you and YOUR friends: Yeah!!
walk you to the door at the end: Yes!
clean their room: Yes. But not obsessively and it doesn’t have to be clean, just sometimes.
paint, draw, or sculpt: Yes, being artistic is a DEFINATE TURN-ON!!
write their own music: not necessarily, but that would be sweet!
use the word dude: I do!
use the word tight: I do!
watch the sun rise with you: Yeah, most definitely.
WOULD YOU STAY WITH YOUR TRUE LOVE EVEN IF…
They cheated on you? I don’t know…that would hurt SO MUCH…
They asked if you would partake in a threesome? Of course, I'd probably be the one asking in the first place.
They lost all their money and everything they owned, and you would have to live on the streets? Yes, but I would come up with an elaborate plan to marry someone else, kill them off, and live happily with their money and my true love.
They refused to eat anything but anchovy flavored beef jerky…and refused to brush their teeth? Eww!!!! Probably not, honestly. Kissing would be way too gross!
You were attracted to another person: Yes, but I would talk about it with them.
You were in love with another person? If they were my true love, why would I be in love with someone else?
They were called away on some top secret mission and wouldn’t return for months or years? Yes! If it’s true love, I would wait forever.
You felt that deep down they didn’t love you anymore, but they would never admit it? I would seek immediate counseling!
They got a sex change? Sure... like I said before, I would love the PERSON, not their GENDER!!!
They became addicted to herion? I would stay with him and try to help him through it, but if he could not get better, I’m not sure what I would do.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST…
Have you already found your true love? Not yet! I’m only in high school!!!
Have you ever...
[ ] been drunk
[x] smoked pot
[ ] been to Japan
[x] rode in a taxi
[ ] been dumped
[x] shoplifted
[ ] been fired
[x] been in a fist fight
[ ] had sex
[ ] snuck out of your parent's house
[ ] been arrested
[ ] made out with a stranger
[ ] stole something from your job
[ ] celebrated new years in times square
[ ] went on a blind date
[x] lied to a friend
[x] had a crush on a teacher
[x] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
[x] been to europe
[x] skipped school (with my mom…)
[ ] thrown up from drinking
[ ] lost your sibling
[x] played 'clue'
[x] had a sleepover party
[x] went ice skating
[ ] been cheated on
[x] had a sweet sixteen--Hells yes I did!!!
[x] drove—still working on doing it WELL!
[x] seen someone die
[x] punched someone you loved
[x] Been on a plane
[ ] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show—I will soon!
[ ] Thrown up in a bar
[ ] Purposely set a part of myself on fire
[x] Eaten Sushi
[x] Been snowboarding—YEAH!!!!
[x] Been moshing at a concert—Green Day, I’m not sure if it was true “moshing”
[x] had plastic surgery—(I twisted my nose so horribly I had to have surgery)
[ ] gone to college
[ ] graduated college
Are you...
[ ] ugly
[ ] pretty
[x] ok
[x] bored
[x] happy
[x] Bilingual
[x] white
[ ] black
[ ] mexican
[ ] asian
[ ] brown
[ ] short
[x] tall—well, kinda…(I’m about 5’6’’)
[ ] grounded
[x] sick
[x] lazy
[ ] single
[x] taken
[ ] looking
[x] not looking
[ ] not really thinking about the fact you're single
[x] tired
[x] sleepy
[x] annoyed
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
Do you...
[x] Have a bf
[ ] have a gf
[ ] involve yourself in a 'fling'
[ ] have a crush
[x] feel loved
[x] feel lonely—can you feel loved and lonely at the same time?
[x] hate yourself
[ ] think you're attractive
[x] have a dog—A HOT NAKED DOG!!!
[x] have your own room
[ ] paint your nails
[x] play an instrument
[ ] wear black eyeliner
[x] like the color blue
[x] like the color yellow
[x] like to write
[ ] have a laptop—I wish!!!
[x] miss someone right now—BRIAN!!! COME BACK FROM KOREA RIGHT NOW!!!!
Jun. 24th, 2005 @ 09:29 am
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Sooooo......summer...yeah, not going so hot (even though it is ungodly hot outside). I woke up a 2 this afternoon, so today has been chores, making an idiot of myself to all the incoming freshmen/ hanging out with all my favorite people (sarcasticly said, of course)at SCHOOL, more chores, missing the concert I wanted to go to with Molly, not getting ahold of any of my friends to talk to while cleaning, moving rocks and mulch around outside in the blistering heat, and, of course, being worried about Portia.
Portia had a bad night last night. The catheter in her spinal cord was messed up and the anesthetics were pooling in her chest and not going anywhere else...so she was in incredible pain and her chest was numb. They had to call in the anesthesilogist TWICE to give her narcotics....they gave her so many that she stopped breathing. yeah. So, they wanted to give her something to reverse the anesthetics, but then she would be in incredible pain again. So, my mom stayed up all night in her room and woke Portia up every 15 minutes or so when Portia would stop breathing. Yeah, fun times.
Tomorrow should be better. Liz made brownies for Portia!!!! Portia can actually eat them too, which is sweet!!! I think I'll visit her tomorrow. I took some school cookies for her too. I want to tape posters on the ceiling of her room for her to look at while she is laying there. We made them, which is even sweeter.
I'm so lonely for some reason....maybe I just miss Portia. I miss Brian too...he's in Korea now. He sent me the sweetest letters when I was in St. Croix. He's so amazing!!!! And he brought Portia a giant basket of chocolates and apples as a get well/ good luck present. At like, 3 in the morning on his way to the airport. It was the most amazing thing ever!!! How sweet is he???? I miss him!!!
Jun. 23rd, 2005 @ 10:11 pm
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So.............Portia had her sugery today!!!!!! She looks pretty good, considering her back was just split open and 2 titantium rods were screwed into her vertebrae. I just came back from the hospital-- I'm so glad I finally got to see her. I managed to stay extremely well composed for most of the day. Of course I was F-R-E-A-K-I-N-G out on the inside, but I think did really well.
[I didn't take my medicine this morning, so I am pretty much in a cloud today. Perhaps I haven't fully processed what is going on yet-- I don't know. All I know is, I just want to sleep....]
Maura came over while Portia was having her sugery, so that calmed me down considerably...but I was home for a couple hours by myself. Maura was so sweet and nice to me. She hung out with me for most of the day. We went to Noodles, drove around, and went to Ten Pin to play DDR (yes, DDR...)which really distracted me from worrying too much. It was really nice. Even though I didn't want her to leave, I told her she could go hang out with her LUVA, Andy. I could tell she wanted to see him-- I can't keep her all to myself, you know. Anyway, after she left, I freaked out a bit and ate pretty much everything in the house. Normally I feel sick when I am nervous, but today I couldn't stop eating!!! I ate until I felt like I was going to throw up, then I ate some more. Then i went to see Portia in the ICU. She couldn't really open her eyes because she is pretty swollen, but she was pretty conscious (well, she could hold short conversations...) She was really pale and her blood was SO diluted that the decided to give her more blood. It was funny, cause my dad was like, "Okay Portia, they are going to give you some blood now," and Portia looked really confused and was like, "To drink?!?!" Too much morphine I guess....
But today was a good day, considering the circumstances. I guess in a way I'm lucky to have been in the hospital so much, because it wasn't that scary to see Portia all hooked up to machines. At least, not as bad as I thought it would be. She has like, a million and seven tubes coming from her body. My poor baby sister.
Anyway, aside from the adventures of today, I just got back from St.Croix. I was pretty interesting, to say the least. Tornados, Dr. Bob's amazing cooking, ditritus, crayfish, mosquitos, canoing, tree labs, cutting Derik's hair, sleeping together, BEAR CUB SANDWICH, waking up to 'baby got back,' just....everything!!!!!!!!
P.S. Liz is amazing!!
Jun. 21st, 2005 @ 08:21 pm
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